As a Christian girl, I was taught my whole life to save sex for marriage.
Don’t. Even. Think about it.
My mom wound up pregnant with my older brother in her teens. She ended up married to her baby daddy and is still with him all these years later, but she always reminded me that just because it worked out for her that didn’t mean it would for me. Her life also changed drastically. Before her untimely pregnancy, she had big dreams, and those didn’t include becoming a struggling teen mom living in a mobile home with her young husband.
I was told not to have sex, but outside of one purity program I sat through, I don’t really remember anyone warning me about the pressures I would face. I had no idea how normalized unmarried sex was, or how to really navigate it. I didn’t really understand the beauty of waiting because the world is so dang loud about the necessity to “give it up.”
Going into high school, I was fairly naïve but not totally. I went to a small Christian school, but I also had secular friends and access to girl’s magazines and television. Some of my junior high friends were not sheltered and were a wealth of information for any question I knew I couldn’t ask my parents. I was aware of things but always kind of thought it was “for other people,” but I was afraid to sound naïve, so I made sure I knew as much as possible.
I wasn’t supposed to date until I was 16, but I ended up with my crush at 15. I was infatuated with him and just thought he was so cute. I spent years pursuing him and finally won him. Now, I wonder whether I should have been pursuing him at all. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife find a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Not the other way around. Also, I never really asked him if he was a Christian. I’m not sure why that wasn’t a priority AND deal killer for me. But the way sin and Satan works is subtle. I didn’t fall into having unmarried sex overnight. It started with small sins. Dishonoring my parents dating rule. Not looking for someone equally yoked. And honestly, way back to not wanting to be naïve and learning as much as I could about sex. I broke the age old “be careful little ears what you hear” rule.
This boy was very affectionate and wasted no time in giving me my first kiss. It was aggressive and not magical. From that moment, he wanted to “make out” all the time. It didn’t matter where we were or who was there. I was also affectionate, but some of the PDA made me uncomfortable. I have always been a people pleaser and felt guilty anytime I managed to say, “not right now.” But I was so infatuated and wanted to keep him happy so I wouldn’t lose him. I was in puppy love. My boundaries were a mere line in the sand instead of a wall, and we all know what Jesus said about building things in sand.
The first few times I went to his house, his mom told him not to take me into his room in case my parents would be upset. I thought this meant that he lived under the same rules I did, but I was wrong. I can still vividly remember the first night his hand drifted south. We were watching a movie, and as usual, he quickly turned it into a make out fest. That’s when he made his move. I was so caught up in the moment that at first it didn’t click that something was wrong. Suddenly, it did, and I moved his hand. I can’t really remember what happened after that. I do know that I wasn’t firm enough to stop his advances and that I should have once again set clear boundaries right then for our relationship.
The next few months every inch I gave him was just another foot in the door for him to keep going. Things moved from the outside of clothes with hands to inside. I can’t remember what went through my mind, but I knew it felt wrong. Anytime he had an opportunity to touch me inappropriately, he took it regardless of whether I wanted it or where we were. I didn’t like the guilt that came with me saying no. I can’t blame him though because I didn’t stick to my no when I said it, and because of that I enabled us to both fall. He sweet talked me into my yeses, and I didn’t love him or myself enough to give him the tough love of sticking to my no.
But there was the night in the bathroom that he shared with his 8 year old sisters. There was a solid no that came with tears. His pants were down, and his hand was on the back of my head pushing me down. I REALLY didn’t want to do it. I thought it was gross and that it went too far. But he’d pushed me before so he knew he could push me again. I’ve blocked out most of what happened, but I know he got what he wanted with tears streaming down my face. I should not have done it. I should have opened the door and left and ignored any pleas or guilt. He would not have held me down. I do not want to paint him as that kind of villain. He would have just manipulated me to stay, made me feel guilty for making him feel badly, and tried again another time.
Before long, his extreme “need” for sexual activity was normal for me. Looking back, I realize what a horn dog he was. It didn’t matter if my dad was sitting in the same room. If I had a blanket, he was reaching his hand down my pants. Unfortunately, I think our unhealthy relationship contributed to an injury in my own marriage because my husband doesn’t touch me nearly as much, and I often feel rejected as a result. My first shot at “love” was extremely physical so now it’s easy for me to feel unloved if things aren’t very physical.
Anyway, because my first relationship was so physical and my boyfriend was so possessive, I missed out on a lot of experiences with my friends because he wanted to stay in and “watch movies” all the time, and I was guilt tripped into it. Despite the shame, I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy any of it. Of course I did. I’m a woman with hormones, and God didn’t create sex to make us miserable. It is a gift for married couples that is meant to be pleasurable and fun.
Much like the first time I went down, my memory of the night I fully lost my virginity is rather fuzzy. I knew I didn’t want to go that far, and I pushed back harder than anything. But I should have found the strength to get up and walk away. He had proven to me time and time again that he didn’t care about anyone but himself. I obviously didn’t care enough about myself either and proved that to myself time and time again. So, with even more tears, he took my virginity. As unwilling as I was, I gave it to him. I loved him and wanted him happy. I took upon a Biblical wife’s duties of fulfilling his sexual needs without actually being that wife.
I had been completely vulnerable as a naïve 15-year-old girl. I was so eager to please and couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing him. I was willing to sacrifice anything to make him happy. What I couldn’t see was that he was not willing to do the same for me. In retrospect, I know that I wasn’t assertive enough to protect myself. I should have set ground rules from day one and stuck to my boundaries. I should have told him, “I said no, and you are not respecting me. I’m leaving!” I should have ended the relationship. But I couldn’t see past Friday night and the long life I still had to live. I found many ways to justify the behavior that I knew was wrong. Everyone else is doing it. No one waits anymore. At least I didn’t get pregnant. My boyfriend is happy and loves me. We’re going to get married someday. I could have justified it until I was blue in the face. They were all lies, but I believed them to make myself feel better.
Someone might read this story and think “he raped you.” No. I could have gotten away. Was I manipulated? Absolutely! Was I abused? Maybe. Probably. But I was stronger than I let myself be. I think we were both wrong. Like I said before, the small sins started earlier, and I put myself in that situation. I kind of think of it like breaking a curfew. If I was driving around after curfew and got hit by a drunk driver and got paralyzed, yes the drunk driver ruined my life, but had I obeyed curfew, I wouldn’t be in the situation.
God gives us rules to protect us. Sadie Robertson once said “If it breaks God’s heart then why would it fulfill mine?” That is so powerful and can be applied to my story and in all parts of our lives. Being disobedient means that we are disrespecting God’s will for us, and consequences will likely follow.
I was told, “Don’t do it.” He was told, “Use a condom.” There wasn’t any discussion in between. I was afraid of so many things. Disappointing my parents. Disappointing my boyfriend. Sinning. Getting in trouble. Instead, I should have been scared of disrespecting myself and valued myself more than I did. I should have considered that long before I was put in that situation. His parents also did him a disservice by creating expectations of his girlfriend, and they didn’t protect him from things like porn.
YES it is hard to wait, and YES it seems like no one does anymore. But that’s a lie because I’ve run into many women and men in my life who waited, and I envy their strength. (Maybe instead of I envy their strength something about how beautiful it is that they waited.)
Pre-marital sex is harmful. Studies have shown that pre-marital sex is one of the predictors of divorce. I think it might be because sex creates hormones that basically blind us and make us stupid. We miss red flags and make excuses and justify things that we would otherwise not ignore. The blindness is good with someone you’re married to because we all have issues with our spouse at one point or another. Healthy sex within the walls of marriage helps to connect us despite those problems. Satan hates marriage and loves pre-marital sex. He also loves to use sexual problems within a marriage to keep husbands and wives from coming together. Sex is an amazing way to connect souls and to bring married people together when nothing else is working. Bringing pre-marital sexual baggage like memories and expectations into a marriage can also be very harmful. We are so lucky that God is gracious and can help us overcome those difficulties, but there might be pain in the process that we could avoid if only we followed His good design for sex. Sex is God’s gift to us in so many ways, but it is a gift that he meant to be enjoyed within the walls of marriage.
God can take what was meant for bad and use it for good, and I know that’s what he can do with my story. I know that it’s given me direction for how to have conversations with my own children. I don’t blame my parents. They did such an amazing job, and I take full accountability for my sins. I do think, however, that I will be more careful with what my kids will be exposed to and will teach them that they should be looking at dating as preparing for marriage. I’ll be looking to both the Bible, experienced parent friends, and experts for advice on how I should go about this.
For all the unmarried women out there, you don’t owe any boy any part of your body until you become his wife. The only heart you are supposed to fulfill is God’s heart. He has a very specific plan and purpose for you, and it does not include making any boy physically happy. You have a whole married life to create wonderful memories with your husband should that be God’s will for you. And let me tell you, til death do you part, is much longer than any Friday night you’re spending with a boy whether you’ve been with him for several years or only just met. That pleasure is so fleeting, and take it from me, it’s not worth it. Any boy that does not respect your boundaries loves himself more than he loves you, and he is blinded by the sin of this world.
My best advice to any young girl is to pursue Jesus not boys. You should be so lost pursuing Jesus that any boy worthy of your love should have to pursue him to find you. Arm yourself with God’s word. It will do nothing but strengthen you in every area of your life. We are citizens of the Kingdom-not of this world. We don’t become citizens when we die. We are to live that out every day here on earth.
For those of you, who have crossed those physical boundaries. It’s never too late to seek forgiveness and start clean. That’s the beauty of the redemptive love and salvation through Jesus. He died on the cross for each one of you, and you don’t have to do anything to earn it. But let His good works working through you be a testimony to others. Surround yourself with girlfriends who will hold you accountable and who love the Lord too. You are the company you keep, and being close friends with people who don’t share your values might tempt you to compromise on those values. Sometimes, it can be lonely being a citizen of heaven while living on earth, but our time here is a shadow compared to eternity. God’s will and plan for you is so much more amazing than the things of this earth, and I promise that you will be so much more fulfilled by pursing His will.
It is so worth it!
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