It is hard to put into words the thoughts and ideas that have been moving around in my head since I was first asked to write down my experiences and advice regarding a romantic relationship with an unbeliever. It is my hope that by putting these thoughts into words, I can help someone who is in a relationship with a non-Christian. To clarify, this message is written to those who are contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share their faith or to someone who has already begun a relationship with an unbeliever. This message is NOT for someone who is already married to an unbeliever as the Bible does make a clear distinction and the advice offered here is not in keeping with what the Bible teaches about those who are ALREADY married to an unbeliever. The Bible is very clear when it says that “If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him…But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases” (I Corinthians 7:12-13, 15). If you are ALREADY married to an unbeliever, I would encourage you to read that whole chapter in I Corinthians 7 as it offers encouragement for those of us who are married to someone who doesn’t share our faith.
The best place to start, of course, would be with Scripture. The Bible is THE authority on how we ought to live lives that are pleasing to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Bible very clearly states that we are not to be “unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (II Corinthians 6:14). This means that it is never God’s plan for us to enter into a romantic relationship with an unbeliever. God’s plan for us is always for our benefit, and it is never to prohibit us from experiencing something “good” but to save us from experiencing less than His best in our lives. Let me share my story with you, and I will explain this good versus best in more detail.
I was raised in a good Christian home, and I was always taught that we are not to marry those who don’t share our faith. In college, I met my future husband when we both worked in the same restaurant. At first, I either ignored or rebuffed his attempts at getting me to go out with him, remembering what I had been taught both at home and at church. However, he was interesting and loved to go dancing, and I was flattered by the attention. After a while, I figured that I could determine the outcome of our relationship, and I reasoned that it wouldn’t hurt anyone if we went out and got to know each other better. I told myself that I was in control of what I wanted and where this relationship would go. Besides, I tried to make it clear from the beginning that I wasn’t interested in anything serious, that this was just going to be a carefree, no strings attached relationship. I confessed to him that I was a virgin, and I was saving myself for marriage, and he was respectful of that. Let me stop here and point out to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation that it is very easy to think that you are in control of a relationship, and you can trick yourself into thinking that something is just a harmless flirtation. You can effortlessly deceive yourself into thinking this way before emotions become involved. Some of you may have experienced something similar to this situation and were able to walk away from it; however, I would warn you that it is easy to get pulled into a relationship that you weren’t planning on with someone whom you thought you wouldn’t fall in love. At the risk of sounding cliché, it is a very slippery slope, and why risk falling when you can avoid the slope altogether? In addition, while you are spending time with someone who is not God’s best for you, what if you are missing out on the opportunity of finding out God’s plan for your life? For those of you at this point in your relationship, I urge you to break things off and do not deceive yourself into thinking that this is innocent when it can quickly suck you onto a path that you did not intend to travel.
To continue, my best laid plans went awry as I started to fall in love with him. Moreover, as my emotions got the better of me, my convictions and plans for my future marriage fell to the wayside. We began having sex, we moved in together, and we started planning our future together. Each step of the way, I knew that this was not what God had for me, but each step of the way, I ignored the Holy Spirit’s whisper in my heart that I was living a life displeasing to the Lord. I slipped and slid down that slope far, far away from what I knew was right and away from my relationship with the Lord. It was a very spiritually dark time in my life as I didn’t feel worthy of having a relationship with the Lord when I was continuing to live in a way that contradicted what the Bible tells us to do. I told myself I wouldn’t feel as guilty once we were married because then I would be able to repent of what we had done before marriage, and I could restore my relationship with the Lord.
Before I reach the conclusion of my story, I would also like to let you know that it doesn’t matter what we have done, we can always run to our heavenly Father, repent of our sins, and turn back to him. We are never too far gone for God to pick up the pieces of our lives and put them back together again. If you find yourself here in your relationship with a non-Christian, I know it is not easily done -I didn’t have the strength to break off my relationship at this point even though I did consider it more than once- but I urge you to step back from the edge before diving headlong into that life. Whether you are having sex, living together, are engaged, etc., it is not too late to turn your life around and give it back to God. However, that does involve repenting and turning your back on that relationship. It will hurt, but in the end, it will also free you to move into God’s best plan for your life.
Getting back to my story, as you can probably guess, I didn’t do any of the things that I am urging you to do. I thought that I was too far entangled to find my way out, and so, I moved forward and married my husband. We have been married for almost ten years, and they have been the ten most challenging years of my life. There have been several occasions that we have almost separated; we have gone through marriage counseling and have discussed divorce more times than I would care to count. I am not saying that marriage with a Christian is easy by any means. Marriage is work, and it is hard. It involves self-sacrifice and compromise. However, when marriage is with someone who shares your same beliefs and faith, with someone who also believes in God’s plan for your lives, and with someone who puts God first, it provides a solid foundation for you both to weather the storms that life will definitely throw your way. Jesus says in Matthew 18:19, “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.” What I wouldn’t give for my spouse to be that other person who would agree with me on anything that we ask of the Lord. God created marriage for many reasons, one of which is that we could agree together with our spouse in prayer and hold to the promises that God has given us in His Word.
Of course, another reason that God created marriage was as the foundation of a family. We have three sons now, and I love them with my whole heart. I would never for one second wish to undo what brought them to me. However, one thing that many people don’t consider when choosing a spouse is what sort of parent they will be to their children. We agreed before marriage that we would raise our children as Christians, the way that I was raised; and I am blessed that my husband has not changed his mind regarding this agreement. In fact, he sees the benefit of raising them in a Christian environment. Now, I always advise anyone who is thinking of marriage to make sure that they choose a spouse that they would trust to raise their children alone if something were to happen to them. As morbid as it seems, we never know which day will be our last. It always gives me pause to think how my sons would be raised if something were to happen to me. Would my husband continue to take them to church? Would he teach them that God always loves and cares for them? Would he encourage them to have a personal relationship with the Lord and show them what it looks like for a man to serve the Lord with his whole heart? Unfortunately, as he currently is now, the answer to all these questions is “NO.” I am not saying that this will always be true, and I pray every day that God will change my husband and turn his heart to the Lord. However, as a parent, my most important responsibility is to point my children to the Lord and to train them up “in the way [they] should go, and when [they are] old, [they] will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Their eternal destination is at stake! I cannot overemphasize this point. Regretfully, I did not give my children a father that understands and agrees with me regarding the importance of our children’s eternal destination.
You may have reached the end of this post and think that all hope is lost for me. It is not. It never will be because God is and always has been on His throne. I will admit that it has been a long road to repair my relationship with the Lord, not because He makes it that way, but because it has taken me a long time to accept his forgiveness for what I have done, especially since I knew what I was doing was wrong. God is always gracious, always loving, and always forgiving. However, we still do live with the choices that we make. It is not our punishment, as Jesus took all punishment for us when he died on the cross, but there are always consequences (both good and bad) to our choices and our actions. If you find yourself in my shoes with a spouse who doesn’t share your faith, God can change their heart. Be faithful to the Lord, strengthen your relationship with Him, and pray for God to change your spouse’s heart as He continues to change your heart.
For those of you who are not yet in my shoes, take my warning to heart. God has your BEST future in mind, and it will come to pass if you are obedient to His Word, which includes trusting Him with your choice of romantic and marriage partners. Do not ever pit your own wisdom on what you think is good against what the Bible tells us is best, or you will fall into the same trap that Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden. They thought that there was something better out there apart from what God had given them. The devil uses the same deception that he did back then to trick us into trusting in our own understanding. Don’t give him the satisfaction of falling victim to that same trap. Be obedient to God’s Word, and trust that what God has planned for you and your marriage is far better than anything you can plan or accomplish for yourself.
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