For years, my mom has kept a dish of pennies. She calls them her pennies from heaven because she says God always leaves her a penny to find in a unique place when she most needs to feel His presence and reassurance. I always thought it was so charming and loved hearing about her discoveries. I had no idea that one day I would receive my very own penny from heaven.
My story started with a surprising proclamation from a very dear friend of mine. She had just told me wonderfully exciting news but prefaced it by saying that she did not know how to tell me because she was afraid of hurting me. I honestly had no idea what her news would ultimately be. I was super nervous and expecting the worst, but it turned out to be the wonderful news that she was expecting her first child.
I was completely shocked. Not by what she revealed, which I was genuinely excited about, but rather by the fact that she felt something so amazing would be hurtful to me. Her comment made me reflect on how I was coming across to family and friends. Did they think that I was bitter and depressed all the time?
Was I bitter and distressed all the time?
For me, throughout my years of infertility, I can truly say that I never felt upset about someone else’s blessing of pregnancy, but her words did make me think about the confusing mixture of emotions that I experienced each time a friend or family member announced that they too would be transitioning to “mom,” seemingly leaving me behind in my childless world which seemed to be getting smaller and smaller.
I couldn’t deny that while I was never unhappy for my friends, their announcements filled me with despondent questions. Why not me? Will it ever be my turn? What did I do wrong, and they do right that God decided to favor them and not me?
I hurried to assure her that she should never keep such things a secret and that it would be far more hurtful to hear from someone else. I never liked the feeling that people were feeling sorry for me.
I did try to explain to her the jumbled emotions that scurried through my mind, but I think it might be something that only someone who has experienced years of this particular struggle could truly understand. It is a great joy for your loved one that coexists with an equally great sorrow for yourself.
In that moment, I reflected on parts of our conversation during the walk we had just taken. Most friends and family surely suspected that we were struggling to conceive a child, but this particular friend was one of the only ones that I shared openly with. I felt a little guilty and wondered if it had been a burden to her. On that particular day I had been telling her about my newest strategy to try to reverse my “curse.” I planned to eat more corn tortillas and beans and other Mexican staples because all my husband’s family (he grew up in Mexico) seemed to pop out babies without any problem so maybe it was my diet that was preventing me from getting pregnant. It seems silly to me now, but during those years, I was constantly trying to figure out why my body was not working the way it should.
Suddenly, I had the thought that in all the years we had struggled, I had never intentionally prayed about it. Instead, I looked to “Dr. Google” and tried to fix it myself.
I have always struggled with praying. I find it incredibly difficult to shut my brain down. Little prayers throughout the day are not a problem, but I rarely took the time to find a quiet place without any distractions and truly poor out my heart. I suddenly felt an overwhelming need to get on my knees before the Lord.
The next morning as soon as my husband left for work, I finally had a good opportunity. I felt a little old-fashioned as I knelt by the side of my bed, but I was sure that it was exactly what I needed to do. Honestly, I could not tell you exactly what I said. I know I prayed to be blessed with a baby, and I definitely remember praying for peace to accept God’s will no matter what. Truly, though, it was about 10 minutes of incoherent cries of my heart to the Lord. I probably looked a little drunk, like Hannah in the church praying for Samuel. Who knows what someone would have thought had they seen me?!
Thinking back on that prayer, I think Roman’s 8:26 sums it up better than I ever could. “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” It is such a comfort to know that we don’t need the perfect words when we come before the Lord.
I rose from my knees upon completing my prayer. To be perfectly honest, I felt pretty normal. There was no instant feeling of transformation, but I was still pleased that I had been able to sit still and quiet my mind long enough to pursue that prayer as I got up to get ready for the day.
I walked into the bathroom to take a shower but felt something on the top of my foot. Without looking down, I gave my foot a sturdy shake to release whatever was on it, but the feeling persisted almost like a magnet drawing my eyes down.
I still get chills every time I think of what I saw stuck to the top of my foot.
God had sent me my very own penny from heaven and in the most unique place possible!
I suddenly was filled with the “peace of God which transcends all understanding.” (Phil. 4:7a) God had truly heard my prayer and was showing Himself to me. For the first time in a long time, I felt 100% joyful and confident in God’s will for my life. I did not necessarily have the feeling that He was going to bless me with a baby in that exact moment but rather that I was precious enough to Him that He took the time to listen to my prayer and encourage me after. I will never ever forget that beautiful experience on November 17, 2016. It led to such a free and peaceful holiday season that year.
Fast forward to the first week of January 2017, a mere month and a half later. I was in a familiar place. I was a few days late and wondering if this might be the month. Could God bless me so soon after my “penny prayer?” I was so afraid to lose the wonderful new spirit I had just discovered and so rather than rushing to take a test, I spent the week finding moments to pray, begging God for peace no matter what happened. I also prayed that if He had blessed us with a baby that He would give me opportunities to encourage others with the story of our “miracle baby.”
On January 7, 2017, I was ready to find out and took the test that morning. I spent the three-minute wait praying on my knees with my husband by my side in the very same spot that this journey had begun a little over a month before.
Nervously, I walked back into the bathroom to face whatever fate awaited, and unbelievably, I saw the word “pregnant.”
We spent the next few minutes in shock and joy. There were definite tears, but they were accompanied by laughter. It was the happiest moment of our lives.
Now looking back, I can see that those years of struggle were used by God to refine me. I would not be where I am spiritually had I not been forced to seek God in my weakness. In the midst, I was sometimes miserable and in despair, but now I can say I am truly grateful for the opportunity God gave me to grow in the Spirit as He brought me through it.
We named our precious miracle baby Jaden Samuel both of which mean “Jehovah has heard” so that we would always be reminded of my “penny prayer” and God’s graciousness in blessing us.
Just seven months after Jaden was born, we found out we were to have another baby! I knew I wanted to find the perfect name to honor her with. After a few months of searching, I came across the name Josette. I thought it was lovely, but the true beauty of it lies in the meaning “may Jehovah increase.” We asked for one blessing, but the Lord increased His favor. Whenever I say her name I will always remember that God blesses beyond what we could possibly imagine. We don’t always get what we want when we want it, but God’s will and timing for our life is perfect.
I hope this story is an inspiration, and I pray that those who are struggling with anything at all will seek the Lord in prayer. I truly believe that if you come before God with an open and honest heart through His Son Jesus Christ, He will reveal Himself to you and fill you with peace and confidence in His will for your life!
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