I love to write, but this is a story I never felt I would have the courage to share.
Many years ago, I was confronted not once, but twice, with an untimely and unwanted pregnancy. I was relieved that an abortion would be an easy and convenient answer to my problem, especially because I believed the lie that it was “simply tissue.” However, a few years after my procedures, I began to experience an unexpected nagging feeling of remorse that would crop up every once in a while to prick at my conscience and cast doubt on my decision to terminate my pregnancies.
Here's a little background that led to my horrific decisions and lifestyle. No excuses. Simply the facts.
I grew up naively optimistic about life in general. My home life was loving and very family oriented. My parents had firm but fair boundaries for me and my siblings. Some of my most memorable days were during holidays and feeling such love from so many generations of my family. The wisdom, joy, and laughter were bountiful, and I could not have felt more loved by all.
Everything changed right after my high school graduation. At the age of barely 19, I married my high school sweetheart. Our relationship was very rocky at best. He could not have been more different than me. I truly believed I loved him, but our unhealthy marriage changed me as a person. I did not respect him. Instead, I believed that if I could love him into abandoning his destructive behaviors that the life I had always known and dreamt of would take hold in our marriage.
Three years in and out of separations, I realized that the drugs, alcohol, sexual immorality, and verbal and physical abuse were beginning to crush my very spirit. Our toxic relationship slowly began to make me forget the very essence of who I really was. Instead of me changing him, I was changing, and my soul and morals were being sucked out of me.
Thankfully, the true love and support I was shown in my younger years and throughout my dysfunctional marriage gave me the courage to get out of that toxic relationship. Luckily, there was enough of me left to do just that. After a fairly easy divorce, I embarked on a mission to find the happiness that came so easily before my disastrous marriage. I just ended up looking in the wrong places.
Growing up, I not only had incredible family and friend support but I also had a childlike faith in God. In my journey back to myself, I should have relied on these things, but unfortunately, I made a choice to turn towards worldly happiness. The world called my fleshly body and my broken spirit to a life of destructive behavior that, at the time, seemed harmless. It looked deceptively enticing and fun, and I had grown to embrace all its lies about what happiness was.
Nothing within my family or friends changed dramatically as they were always there for me with unconditional love and support. I later learned that they could see the difference in me, but they did not know how to help me. Those not so close only saw an optimistic and bubbly person and someone to call for a good time. I masked the cynicism and shame I felt about myself because of my poor choices. Deep down, I felt that it would be impossible to recapture my innocently positive spirit. I believed that person could no longer exist based on the ugliness of the life I was leading, and for a while, I gave into the thought of “If you can’t beat them, join them.”
On the outside, I could fool almost anyone who did not know me well. On the inside, however, I felt lonely. I was searching for happiness but continued to have a nagging and uneasy feeling about my lifestyle. I felt like I was treading water to keep up the façade of happiness as I continually indulged in sinful and destructive behavior. Eventually, it was too much, and I began to drown as I was losing the struggle to feel like myself again, the person I wanted my family and friends to be proud of.
Thankfully, I believe God reminded me of my childhood faith and brought people into my life that helped me begin to recognize my true self again. It was a slow process, but I finally developed a renewed relationship with God and that led to accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. In retrospect, I know that if I would have turned to a Godly relationship, I would have found the peace I was looking for.
Three years is a relatively short span of time, but the destructive evil that I accomplished during those three years most likely had Satan giving me a standing ovation. I broke almost every single one of God’s commandments.
Including murder.
Writing that word, to this day, makes me feel sick and causes my stomach to ache with sorrow. Thankfully, it is a Godly sorrow now and a gentle reminder of how far from God I had gone. It is a place I never want to revisit.
My abortions, as I said previously, were easy, convenient, and affordable. I left the clinic both times with no feeling of remorse. Just relief! With time, however, my soul became haunted. A nagging innocent spirit gently reminds me, even to this day, of what could have been.
I know I am forgiven. As much as I feel I don’t deserve it sometimes, the truth remains.
I AM FORGIVEN!!!
My Savior, Jesus Christ, not only forgives but He also forgets. Unfortunately, because I am not Him, I cannot forget!
Eventually, with God’s grace, I found my way out of that destructive lifestyle, and I remarried. Several years later, I became pregnant once again. Nearly nine months later, I delivered my son who was stillborn.
In my weaker moments, I wonder whether God was punishing me, but I quickly remind myself that I am forgiven. I may never know in this lifetime why God allowed me to walk that tragic path. What I do know is that He loves me so much, and that sometimes difficult things are allowed to happen for His good purpose. He used that painful part of my story to grow me. I do not take life for granted anymore, especially life at conception.
If you are reading this story and find yourself in a similar position…choose life. God only knows who might be growing in you. All the great leaders and visionaries had a mom. All the average people who maybe weren’t famous but enhanced the world just by being average…they too had a mom. All the people that developed cures or invented new technology…they had to have a mom.
It's true that even evil people had to have a mom. But think about this. Wouldn’t evil lessen if love was more abundant and valued? If making hard choices was given over to God for guidance? If people would take a moment to tap into their spiritual side to discern right from wrong? If everyone took care of the family that God gave them, then everyone in the world would be taken care of.
It might seem like an abortion is an easy solution. For me, choosing an abortion helped me avoid a temporarily hard situation, but it cost what sometimes feels like an unending torment. I could have avoided so much pain if only I had not been so ignorant and had chosen respect for life.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Don’t go another second before asking for forgiveness and giving your life over to Jesus Christ.
A Savior.
A Comforter.
The Son of God the Father.
He took my hugely sinful life and embraced me with a Godly sorrow that brings peace through forgiveness and the ability to humbly walk in the footsteps of Jesus. It isn’t easy because of our memories, but you must believe in His forgiveness to have the peace of forgiving yourself.
The scenarios are endless as I will forever ask myself…
WHAT IF?
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